So he texted me. Yeah it was this big long apology text and I texted him back and let him know that what he was doing was too late but I’d talk to him and hear him out. He said sometime next week I guess but then when I said that was fine he never texted me back, I’m hoping he’s just really busy. Cuz regardless of what I’ve tried to convince myself of, we need to talk. I’m not over him no. I’d like to try again with him. Slower this time and maybe keep it quieter. He said he wanted a second chance and maybe I’ll give it to him depending on what comes out of his mouth. I have people from all sides telling me to give him the chance, to not give him the chance but here’s the thing, I’ve tried with other guys. I have. I really have. But all I do is miss him. Cuz while he made some shitty life choices towards the end there, he was perfect. He made me so happy and I think he wants to do that again but we gotta have a conversation first. Only one person has said, “do what’s going to make you happy” and if being with him or not being with him will make me happy who’s to tell me otherwise? I’m an adult and I can make my own decisions. The truth is I miss him and I need to at least talk to him. We’ve needed to for months.

The Pedestal

I’m so done. I’m so done being put up on a pedestal by every guy I date. It’s like I can do no wrong. I’m perfect, the most charming, amazing, beautiful girl in the world. They put me up there like a prized show dog and when I’m good I get treats. Then I fall off. I do something wrong, I do something that’s just soooo out of character for perfect, beautiful me, and then it’s like “Buh bye you dumb bitch”. I don’t get second chances ever, I mess up once and they’re done with me. Do I need to like preface this before I go out with a guy? Like what do I need to do? I mean I suppose it’s better than being treated badly but it’s not even like they break up with me rights away once I fall off, they play with me and put me through hell until I finally decide to break up with them! It’s not fucking fair! Maybe it’s just the guys I pick, maybe it’s cuz I settle cuz I’m so scared to find out what I actually deserve. I don’t know what I want… But I know what I don’t want and what I don’t want is another marathon relationship of that! I can’t go through that again. I just want a guy who knows I’m not perfect but loves me anyway and is ready to deal with me. I’m very high maintenance, not when it comes down to material things, but emotionally. I’m basically Monica on Friends. So I’m looking for my Chandler.

So yeah

So I sincerely don’t think he was a bad person. He made some crap decisions yeah but he’s a boy, you can’t expect perfectionism. He wasn’t his best with me. I think our entire relationship was doomed from the start, and I think that’s because of why I decided to go official with him. It wasn’t for the right reasons and it was just another thing I didn’t do for myself. I felt like he needed me. I felt like I was helping him be a better person. He quit smoking, he was doing better in school, as in actually going, he was drinking less and that made me happy because I was fixing someone. I like people I can fix, make better people. I was so happy with myself I was always thinking “ya know? I’m putting this kid on the right track! He’s gonna be a happier person and his parents are gonna be happy cuz his grades are gonna be better and we’re gonna be happy together because I’m the girl who made it happen!” But one night about two weeks before we broke up I realized that he wasn’t my boyfriend he was my project. It was a project that I had noticed was starting to fail just based on the way he was treating me. But i kept telling myself, “he’s stressed out cuz of all the school work he’s doing, we’re fine he needs me to make him better” I kept that up for two weeks. Then the project really failed when we broke up and I figured out he was still as crappy of a person as he was before and I didn’t do anything for him! This is my problem, I like to put things into boxes. I want everything to fit into organized little boxes in my brain but ya know what doesn’t fit into boxes? People. Ya know what else? Feelings. I can’t put those things in boxes because they’re universal and too big. I tried to put him in a box. I tried to contain him in a box and the real feelings I had suddenly developed for him, three weeks into our relationship, in another. I had this puppy love kind of endearment for him at the beginning it wasn’t real but later on I got real feelings for him. Real live awful ones that I wanted to go away so I just tried to stuff them in a separate box. I think that’s also what doomed us. He had real feelings for me the whole time and I had them way later on and I never talked about them when I did realize it. We never talked about anything, not for the last three weeks anyway. All we did was fight and make out. It was unhealthy and I’d go home crying most nights. We brought out the absolute worst in each other which was bad. I think if we’d stayed together any longer we would have killed each other. While he did some bad things, I was the catalyst. I never should have gotten involved with him because it wasn’t for the right reasons. I never told him how I felt and the whole thing just exploded from all the pressure that had built up behind it. All it got me was a broken heart and a poor attitude and while he’ll never own to it, I think he got just as hurt as I did. There are a lot of hurt feelings here that I don’t think can be fixed. An apology from me or him won’t fix what’s been broken. I’ve accepted that now. I miss him everyday and everyday I wish I would have done things differently but you can’t change the past. I’ll put on some lip gloss and a pair of heels and live my life as the bright young fabulous girl I know I am. Man or not. I’ve learned from my mistakes with him, and there’s nothing I can do now but find another guy who I genuinely like and don’t want to fix cuz he’s already perfect. That’s how I’m looking at life and I’m actually happy now for the first time in a few months.

I Blew Him Off…

So I kind of blew off guy from the bar. I knew I would. I’m not ready for anything emotional with another guy right now. I’m only ready for making out and dancing and that’s about it. I’m so unplugged emotionally but physically I am so IN! The great part is I can get something physical anytime I want… I’m a pretty girl at a state school. I haven’t been this emotionally unplugged from anything since I was 16… It’s just like I don’t care. I don’t care if a guy sees me and wants to marry me, right now I’m not ready for shit. I’m just staying the fuck away from guys for a few months. I mean I’m not gonna turn down a make out session but I NEED to be single. I have to work on myself and me blowing off this guy was enough evidence for me. I also think I’m scared to death of getting hurt again. That’s the first thing that pops into my head when a guy likes me is “he’s gonna hurt me stop it” I don’t wanna get hurt again. Not now. I’ve been hurt too many times this year and I’m DONE with it. I need to do me. That’s the only thing I’m 100% sure of.

I’m a Disney Princess…?

So today I decided to text one of my exes im still friends with (yeah I know they’re rare but they DO exist) and asked him why guys always tend to fall very hard, head first for me him being one of them and this is what I got back:

"You’re a Disney princess, a smart ass one but a Disney princess. A guy can’t just fall half way for you because you are this really rare Disney princess type of pretty and then you’re funny and smart and dont care what anyone thinks on top of all that. Yeah, no you aren’t a girl any guy in his right mind is gonna wanna take home, fuck, and never call again just by looking at you a guy can tell that isn’t what he wants from you. You make guys think like girls. If a guy wants you and he looks at you you’re holding his world together, he’s not thinking about how bad he wants to fuck you. The first thing I thought when I saw you was ‘Jesus Christ that’s my next girlfriend’ not ‘she’s fuckable’ cuz while you are completely totally fuckable you’re first and foremost girlfriend material and I think that actually drives you crazy which is what destroys most of your relationships. You need to embrace that not push it away. You aren’t a slut and you’re never going to be even if you try because no guy who cares about you, is ever gonna let you"

As much as I don’t want to admit to it he’s so right… So totally and completely right. I am girlfriend material and it does piss me off because sometimes I don’t wanna be a girlfriend I just want a guy to vibe with maybe make out a little bit and it’s not emotional but that’s not what I’m good at, I’m good at being a girlfriend and I’m good at being single. I can’t do that in between thing, it’s not what I’m good at and it’s not what guys want me for. That really does irritate me. I just wish they wouldn’t fall so head first… I wish they’d go slower. I get it I’m the girl they wanna take home to mommy but can we just go slow so I can play hard to get for a sec? And we can do a cat and mouse Elizabeth and Darcy thing? Someday I hope so!

Sooo….

So I went to the bar last night and I was a SLUT! I made out with two guys one of whom was a creep but the other one was a sweetheart and he got my number and actually texted me this morning! He’s really nice and is an okay kisser… I guess I’ve had worse. Honestly though my last ex was a really good kisser, possibly the best I’ve ever been with but that’s besides the point because i found a new boy! A new boy who ironically has the same name as my ex… It’s really weird because when I talk about them I have to specify which one but if me and this new guy work out and I say the name it’s gonna be obvious who I’m talking about. I’m scared though. I mean I don’t know if I’m ready for this… I haven’t really figured out if I’m completely over my ex yet and if I’m not it’s not fair to this new guy… I don’t know I think I’m gonna go hang out with him in a non bar setting and see what happens. He’s really cute and really nice so we’ll see but things are definitely looking up for me and I’m so. Excited.

What I Don’t Want

So I’ve decided that I need to blog about what I don’t want to figure out what I want.
I don’t want to be sad and angry over him ever again
I don’t want him to hate me
I don’t want us to never talk again
I don’t want to talk to him
I don’t want it to be tense when we see each other
I don’t want to be drunk around him and make a stupid decision
I don’t want to have any feelings for him anymore
I don’t want to be friends
I don’t want to be enemies
I don’t want to hate him
I don’t want to like him
I don’t want to have no closure
I don’t want him to ignore me
I don’t want to care
I don’t want to constantly keep thinking of messaging the boy I had before him because I’m lonely, I deleted his number and unfriended him for a reason
I don’t want him in the way of me living my life
I don’t want him to take advantage of the fact that I need closure and I need him to get it…. That’s possibly the number one thing I don’t want… Cuz I just couldn’t handle that.

The Reason I Turn Out to Be the Male in All My Relationships

So I’ve started to learn something about myself. That is that I always end up being the male in the relationship. Why? I don’t know maybe it’s because I HAVE to assert dominance or maybe it’s the fact that I have issues showing emotions and talking about my feelings I don’t know, all I know is that’s what ends up happening. I just want a guy who can be sarcastic with me and maybe we get in fights over stupid shit but we kiss and make up right away because we both realize how stupid it is while it’s happening. I want a guy who can beat me at my own game who knows how to melt me down into a puddle and maybe for once I can act like the girl. I want a guy who is just as stubborn and hard headed as i am but we both realize that and we call each other out on it when it happens. I want a relationship where we’re smart asses to each other. That’s the problem I date boys who can’t take the smart assness or dish it out! I need a fucking smart ass! Where are they? And when you find one could you send him my way? I want it to be rare that he says something adorably cute to me because let me tell you that gets exhausting. Of course he’s polite and sweet and treats me well and respects me and everything he’s just sarcastic and maybe a little bit oblivious. I like oblivious guys who say sometimes really stupid shit, but all I’ll do is laugh and kiss him on the cheek and politely correct him because I find it so adorable! That’s all I want. Of course a stupid sense of humor like I have wouldn’t hurt either. And a body like Thor wouldn’t hurt either but I can’t have everything lol. That’s all I want! A cute, sarcastic, dopey, stubborn, wonderful boy to take care of me and maybe I can take care of him right back.

What Do You Deserve?

What do you deserve? That is the question I feel like girls ask themselves the most and they normally answer it WRONG. We, as females, feel like we need to settle. If you had a mother like mine she may have taught you that settling is good and if you want to get married you’re going to have to but like what is this 1786? You are not Charlotte Lucas you do not have to settle for Mr. Collins because you have prospects and youre also not 27 youre probably like 22 and have so much going for you. Anyway, dont think that just because youre 22 and single that you have to settle for the next D-Bag that buys you a drink at the bar, youre young and pretty and a hot bitch and you deserve a guy whos going to give you the ENTIRE planet not just a gimlet and thinks youre fuckable. No no no, this man should think youre fuckable but also that youre beautiful and funny and smart and the best thing that has EVER happened to him IN HIS WHOLE LIFE! You better make sure that you can tease him and he can tease you back also the the doesn’t cry every time you have a fight. Once in a blue moon and he’s fucked up real bad or you’ve hurt him real bad but like it has to be really bad! I mean not bad enough to break you up, but bad enough that you get in a bad fight where there’s slamming doors and chairs and storming out of the room… That kinda bad. Almost break up bad. He should also be honest and loyal but not so loyal he’s clingy. You can fill in the rest but I think that’s the basics! Don’t settle bitch! You’re beautiful!